Diapers and Deadlines: Project Managing a 3-Week-Old

Yes, I tried project managing my baby when she was 3 weeks old, and saying it was a failure is an understatement! I laugh (sort of) when I think back on this time, but it was a hard adjustment for me. 

This article is definitely more personal. On a scale of “crying baby” to “technical project management” -type articles, this is probably closer to the “crying baby” type, with a hint of project management.

This article will go into:

• How I tried project managing a tiny human at 3 weeks old
• My triggers of going into project management mode with an infant
• How I made project management work for me during this time as a first-time parent

I Tried Project Managing my 3-Week-Old

Let me take you back to that time when I first realized I was doing it. I was working as a program manager at a tech company and handing off my projects before I went on maternity leave. I was due in 2 weeks, but the baby came two weeks early! So I went from a risk-busting project manager to an overwhelmed first-time mom who had a baby human she needed to protect - it was a lot! On top of being a new mom, our baby was on the cusp of being underweight so it felt like all eyes were on us to effectively grow this baby. We were doing various things to help her gain weight (using a combination of breast milk and formula feeding). My doctor was happy with the progress and suggested we aim for exclusive breastfeeding by 5 weeks (this is what I wanted to do and not something prescribed to me by my doctor)**. 

My schedule had been set. I automatically set up a timeline in my mind. We were at the 3-week mark at this point, so I had 2 weeks to wean my daughter off of formula and expressed milk slowly. I was in data collection and incremental change mode! I would record the number of minutes she would feed, the number of milliliters she drank, the number of diaper changes, etc. I was mentally graphing all these things and incrementally increasing or reducing their limits to hit that 5-week target.

Two days before the 5-week checkup, I was in tears (like lemon-peel-eating, pouty lips and big sobs of salt water dripping out of my eyes, type of tears - and no, my changing hormonal changes were certainly not helping my already drama queen type personality!) as I had some setbacks over the previous few days and I knew I wasn’t going to hit my target of 5 weeks. 

That’s when my husband asked, “Are you trying to project manage our baby?” After which I went quiet. 

It was a point of self-reflection for me. Yes, I was trying to project manage this tiny human into being exclusively breastfed by 5 weeks. He then said, “In the grand scheme of things, does it matter that she is exclusively breastfed by Friday or two days later than that, or even 2 weeks later than that? We need to do what is right for her and what you and your body can support. It’s not about hitting a date. Nothing bad will happen to our baby if you don’t hit the date.”

This changed me to the core! I was no longer working, so I took to being a mom as the vessel to project managing this tiny human. I had to ease up A LOT, but this wasn’t the last time I found myself project-managing the baby.

My Triggers for Going into Project Management Mode

• Milestone measurements and charts. I would look at these and check to see if my baby was meeting these or not and then start a Gantt chart in my head!
• Social media and mommy blogs had all these other people who were so put together that would make me feel that I was not doing this right! I would start getting into planning mode when I saw these things.
• Feeding schedules and food intake. With a baby who was on the lower side of the weight curve, anything anyone said about eating more or not eating enough would get me extremely anxious. I would get into a very rigid feeding schedule and measuring food intake. My husband had to continuously tell me that babies won't go hungry!
• Family saying that I wasn’t doing enough or that they had done it with a different outcome.

Things that Helped Me Ease Off Being Triggered

It took me many months, but once I started getting better sleep, I was able to help make better decisions. These are some key takeaways from how I made project management work for me:

• Prioritized critical path items. This included keeping me and my baby fed and finding time to sleep, especially during the baby’s naps (which initially caused guilt because I thought I could be doing something productive, like housework!). That was my first step until I felt more comfortable with motherhood - which took me about 10 months to move onto the next step, but it takes as long as it takes! Only after that time, did I start adding more things to that critical path list.  This was the list of things I wanted to do while on parental leave:
  • Start Toastmasters again - I had all the locations and timings planned during pregnancy but did not even look at a map or calendar to try and schedule something post-delivery.
  • Start up a business - I had lofty goals to start a fair-trade, organic cinnamon-importing business. I had researched some books to read and had some contacts set up in Sri Lanka through my parents. This is still not on my mind due to time commitments away from my family.
  • Take an online hobby course - I started an online course on Reiki (it was on sale for $15 so I thought, what do I have to lose?!) to see what it was all about. It was started but not finished.
  • Start doing yoga (with the baby!) daily - Nope! Not organized to do that or felt that I had the energy. Once I got better with my triggers, we went out for walks more often.
• Managing the risks and issues of my mental health. My mental health was a big challenge for me, so I started going to therapy to deal with all these emotions - this was around month 8 when I started, and it helped me tremendously. As risk mitigation for our second baby, I restarted therapy to deal with any anxiety and to have tools to help me through baby blues or depression.
• Incrementally planning self-improvement. This included: making time for a quick (even two-minute) shower, having tea, and changing out of my pajamas at the beginning of the day instead of staying in them the whole day. These were things I started doing, and then the other things grew as I got more consistent again with the basics of self-care.
• Planning lead time ahead of delivery. If the country or company supports this, taking a couple of weeks before the due date to be at home would help with the transition from working in a very fast-paced environment to getting into parent mode.

All of these things I did incrementally and as I was getting better sleep. It was a moment to reset my expectations of myself. Even with this blog, I have started and stopped a few times because we go in and out of survival mode. My former self would have been crushed by not meeting the goal of launching in 2023. The current me understands that there are higher priority items, and has also accepted that creativity takes time.

• Limited my circle of influence to those who understood me and were there to support me. My husband had to act as gatekeeper to some, and my parents came around a lot to help me and support me. I also stopped talking to people who were toxic to me for that period of my life as well as stopped looking at the mommy blogs and moms on social media.
• Accepting and adapting to changing targets. I had to be kind to myself. It was the hardest job I had ever done, and we were doing the best we could with the resources we had.
• Expectation setting and over-committing of personal growth and development during my parental leave. While I was pregnant, I thought I was going to have lots of time to do other things - I mean, the baby was going to be sleeping most of the time! HA! - As most parents who have gone through parenthood will also say! I did end up taking an online, self-paced course when my daughter was having longer naps, but that was about 10 months after her birth, and it didn’t last too long because she started teething which cut the naps pretty short. I learned it was okay to set goals as a new mom, but I kept them as nice-to-haves or low priority. Taking care of my mental and physical health and taking care of the baby was the highest priority. The first few days, weeks, and months were survival mode for me. 

**Disclaimer: I talk about breastfeeding and moving off of bottle feeding through expressed milk, and formula feeding. This is something that was a personal decision. I do not make any judgment on practices that others may choose for their babies - you are the parents and you decide what's best for your child and yourself based on your circumstances. This article is not to focus on those choices, but rather the choices of trying to meet targets and the enormous pressure I put on myself.

Do you have any stories about project managing your kids or spouse that you would like to share? What are the things you did and did your perspective change after the experience?